Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Test Read online

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  So again, gun selection should be based on your access, ability, and the targets you want to shoot. I don’t recommend anything smaller than the 9mm or .38 caliber bullets for killing zombies. Both of these rounds are highly available and pack sufficient punch to blast through a zombie brain at a good safe distance.

  Get some reliable 9mm semiautomatic pistols with high capacity magazines, at least 15 rounds or more. You can even find high-capacity 9mm magazines easy enough on Ebay and other places on the web. These need to be your bread and butter weapons for surviving the zombie apocalypse.

  Tips: Don’t ever rely on just one brand of gun and one brand of ammo. What you’ll find is that different brands of ammo work differently in different guns and sometimes not at all in some guns. While 9mm ammo is very plentiful and should be easy to find, some of the 9mm ammo you find may not work or work well with some 9mm guns. In one 9mm gun, a certain ammo will work fine, while in another gun you might find the same ammo causes the gun to malfunction or jam every fifth round fired. Find out what ammo works with what guns before you find yourself surrounded by a frenzied zombie horde.

  Why is the 9mm pistol the bread and butter of the zombie outbreak survivalist?

  In the previous FAQ, I stated a recommendation for arming yourself with lots of 9mm semiautomatic pistols as the bread and butter of your survival arsenal. I’m basing this on two key factors: 1) the flood of good, affordable 9mm handguns and 9mm ammo in the American marketplace, and 2) the 9mm bullet is really the smallest reliable bullet for cracking through a zombie skull and blowing its infected brain out the other side or damaging it enough at least to incapacitate it. Take out the brain and you kill the zombie—err, I mean rekill it—err, I mean…well you know what I mean. If you don't know what I mean, then read my earlier PSAs.

  I like a good 45 caliber pistol as much as the next guy. A 1911 style .45 is a great pistol, but it will not do that much better of a job of eradicating zombies than a 9mm will do. The 45 is heavier, more expensive, and 45 ammo is a little harder to find than 9mm ammo. In a zombie pandemonium you won’t be able to mail order ammo or make a run to the local Walmart. Knowing that 9mm is the most common ammo you can expect to luckily find scattered all around the outbreak landscape, you can see why I recommend you have several 9mm pistols in your arsenal.

  If the 9mm semiautomatic pistol is your bread and butter, then the assault rifle is your meat and potatoes. I’ll talk about assault rifles coming up soon. Look up the HK MP5 9mm assault rifle when you get the chance. It allows you to fire the same 9mm pistol bullets as a 9mm rifle bullet…brilliant survival strategy. Two different guns, two different situations, same ammo.

  Don’t buy an expensive 9mm pistol. Some 9mm pistols can cost as much as $1200. You need four $300 9mm handguns 10 times more than you need one $1200 9mm handgun.

  Don’t buy compact concealable handguns for your zombie outbreak arsenal. Full sized pistols with longer barrels and higher capacity magazines are heavier, but the versatility offering a shooter greater accuracy and distance is worth the trade-off. Look for full sized guns with large capacity magazines.

  Take a gun class! Then practice shooting and changing magazines and reloading all the guns in your arsenal…very carefully. You need to know what they can and cannot do before the zombie pandemonium happens. But if you are lucky, you will get plenty real time practice during the pandemonium to become very good at this or die. Sometimes death is nature’s way of saying you’re a slow learner.

  How many different 9mms should I have?

  As many as you can afford. Try to stockpile them.

  What about shotguns?

  Every zombie movie ever made loves to highlight shotguns (and chainsaws too for some dumbass reason). Regular, standard shotguns in a zombie outbreak are overrated. While shotguns are very affordable and plentiful, they are heavy, their ammo is heavy, and even the best standard shotgun can only fire six to eight times before you need to reload (they’re very slow to reload too). Now, I am a huge fan of automatic shotguns like the ones made by Saiga, USAS, and AA. Oh yeah, and Striker’s Street Sweeper. These guns will make you drool! Some of these can be fitted with drums and magazines allowing you to fire 10-30 times before needing to reload and magazines and drums make reloading a very fast snap. I also love the .410 (smaller and lighter) automatic shotguns, but they are hard as all-get-out to find in the market place and the ammo is just as hard to find.

  Still, even automatic shotguns have some drawbacks. They are generally heavier—meaning you can’t carry as much survival stuff as you may need if you are carrying one or more of these guns. Their ammo is bigger and heavier—meaning you won’t be able to carry as much of this ammo compared to other ammo. There aren’t a lot of these in the American marketplace—parts and components for automatic shotguns will be more difficult to locate in a zombie outbreak than for some other guns. One more thing—shotguns are not as accurate firing at longer ranges as some pistols and rifles. So you might aim at a zombie’s head from 25-50 yards away and blow off its arm, if you’re lucky. That’s better than missing the zombie altogether and shotguns do make it very hard to completely miss what you aim at.

  Keep in mind, shotguns have a loud boom and cycle and a huge kick. Boom shakalacka!!! Boom shakalacka!!! This can work to attract more zombies if you’re not smart about it. This also makes shotguns an uncomfortable gun for small handed and small size people to fire. Also, do a Google search for the different kinds of shotgun ammo—everything from flamethrower ammo to signal flare ammo to multiple ball bearings…I love the options; I love pulling the trigger just once and making three to five 9mm size holes in a target. I love the idea of pulling the trigger on my shotgun and having a giant ball of fire erupt from my barrel like a flamethrower.

  Keep a few shotguns preferably automatics or semiautomatics in your arsenal and carry them for backup in case you come across a zombie horde and need to blast them back away from you. If you hit a zombie with a shotgun in the chest, that won’t kill it, but that will knock it back a few feet and give you some time to keep moving. Also keep a few regular shotguns for your friends who are really bad shooters. They will waste your 9mm and rifle ammo, so give them shotguns to improve their chances of hitting something and helping even a little in tight situations.

  What is the best assault rifle for surviving a zombie outbreak?

  I like this question. The best assault rifle is the one you got. But if you are in the market for one, then let’s talk through that.

  First, all rifles are exceptional zombie killing weapons—distance and range. But you need to focus on assault rifles when it comes to survival. Standard hunting rifles with their long range and slow rate of firing are fine for hunting. Standard hunting rifles aren’t really the best weapons for surviving a zombie outbreak.

  Assault rifles are designed as anti-personnel weapons, usually for military or police use. They typically have shorter range than hunting rifles (but not always), faster rates of firing, larger capacity ammo magazines, and multiple components and accessories for personal tastes such as flashlights, lasers, bayonets (love them!), and scopes.

  To answer the question of which one I recommend, it helps to also reference the same ideas I previously shared about handguns. What are the most common, affordable, and reliable assault rifles in the market place. Hands down, the best and most available assault rifle in the world is the AK-47. It is a brilliantly designed weapon. But AK-47s are not very available here in the US. If I happen to be in Europe or North Africa during a zombie outbreak, I will certainly try to acquire AK-47s as the meat and potatoes of my survival arsenal.

  Here in the US, the most popular, common, and affordable assault rifle is the US military issued M16, which is also an AR15 and also an M4 (different names depending on variations and uses, but mostly the same weapon). The M16/AR15 is a lightweight, magazine fed, rapid firing rifle. It typically fires 5.56mm or .223 caliber ammo. This small sized ammo is the we
apon’s primary drawback in a zombie outbreak.

  The rifle is modifiable to fully automatic with a large number of accessories, components, and configurations, which include attachable lights, sights, bayonets, and even grenade launchers. The weapon can also be easily converted into a larger ammo size such as 9mm or even 7.62mm ammo. There’s even a hard-to-find conversion component for the AR15 platform that allows it to fire .410 shotgun ammo. So the platform is versatile. It’s best feature is its affordability.

  As I stated previously ammo size is important. While the standard 5.56/.223 bullets are effective anti-personnel bullets, against zombies you will need to take into account the problem small ammo presents. However, a nice head shot with these ammos is sure to do the trick, just aim above the eyes of the zombie. One thing I like about the M16/?AR15 is the high spin rate of the bullet when it’s fired. When these spinning little bullets smack through a zombie skull they will zip, zing, whiz, and spin around inside that zombie skull, changing its dead brain into Swiss cheese or pea soup, most of the time. Again, shooting a zombie anywhere but the top of its head with almost any gun is almost always a waste of ammo.

  Interchangeability, the ability to easily swap out parts and components, is one of the best features of the M16/AR15 rifles. Surviving is often a factor of your ability to adapt and improvise, and these rifles are extremely adaptable and interchangeable.

  I said the M16/AR15 assault rifle was affordable and common. I did not say it was reliable. If you’ve ever been in a firefight with these weapons, you know the typical sound of these rifles: Budda budda budda jam. Budda budda jam. Budda budda budda budda jam. Soldiers have to practice immediate action steps all the time for these rifles until they are proficient enough at working the rifles to keep them firing in a fight. Immediate action for these rifles uses the acronym SPORTS – Slap the magazine. Pull the charging handle to the rear. Observe the ejection port. Release the charging handle. Tap the forward assist. Squeeze the trigger. Go to YouTube and take a look at several videos of AR15 jams so you know what to expect.

  These rifles jam all the time! M16/AR15 reliability also evaporates extremely fast when they get dirty, cold, wet, or rusty—in contrast, the AK-47 has none of these problems.

  But the M16/AR15 is the most common assault rifle produced in the US, so you need to know how to use them, clean them, take them apart, and fix them. Again, you can get expert training on YouTube. The M16/AR15 also has more complicated sights than the average Joe will be able to figure out very quickly. The best thing to do is to check some of these out (rent them) from your local gun range and get used to them.

  Tips: If you wait until a zombie outbreak begins to start acquiring guns and ammo, it will almost be too late. You can always scavenge zombie infested cities and towns looking for leftover weapons. You’ll find some, I’m sure, but it’s best to start building your arsenal and start practicing now. A gun you know how to use is much better than a stray random gun you find on the street.

  If you can afford better guns than M16/AR15s, then you’ll want to consider the HK (MP5) assault rifles (9mm, 5.56, and 7.62 versions). They are higher quality, but less common. While there are sexier assault rifles out there than M16/AR15s, avoid them unless you intend to get a lot of them for your own personal arsenal. Sexy guns won’t help you survive a zombie outbreak, common and available guns and ammo will help.

  Keep in mind, 5.56/.223 and 9mm ammo are produced with the US military in mind as the number one customer (plus a few other customers worldwide), so there is lots of this ammo and lots of these components out there made for the most common type of guns used by the military (9mm handguns and M16/AR15/M4 rifles). An exotic French made 40 caliber assault rifle will quickly become a paperweight or a club in an American zombie outbreak. Don’t waste your money and your time.

  Did you get your flu shot yet?

  Why would I need a sword in a zombie outbreak?

  When the fecal matter impacts the rotating aerial oscillator and untold numbers of zombies are running through your streets, biting, killing, and infecting people, you will need to consider all kinds of weapon options to defend yourself and to increase your chances of surviving the mayhem.

  We’ve covered guns. You won’t survive very long in a zombie outbreak without guns. When you run out of guns and ammo, you might as well slather yourself in gravy and lie across a dinner table and wait for zombies to come to your buffet.

  But wait! This world is full of weapons other than guns. Watch any zombie movie and you’re guaranteed to get some ideas about weapons other than guns. These weapons include everything from improvised bombs and grenades, to kitchenware and cooking utensils, to torches and flamethrowers, to chainsaws and other farming and gardening tools from pruning shears to sports gear such as hockey sticks and golf clubs, and also martial arts weapons such as staffs, sais, throwing stars, and nunchakus. I saw a kid once fight off a small gang of thugs with a bicycle chain and a padlock on the end of it. Almost anything can be turned into a weapon. But some weapons are just better than others, especially when you need to eradicate zombies.

  Guns give you a survival advantage because of their obvious lethality and distance factor—you can kill zombies very easy from a very safe distance. Keeping with my previously discussed rule about distance, you want to have weapons other than guns that can be used from a distance. Bows and crossbows are great and knives and stabbing weapons are not so great. Remember it takes a head shot that disables a zombie’s brain to kill it. An arrow through the neck of a zombie is a wasted arrow; a knife stab in a zombies back is a wasted stab; however, bashing a zombie’s skull in with a baseball bat or even a frying pan will always get the job done.

  You need close-in weapons other than guns in your arsenal to help you conserve hard to find gun ammunition. You will need something as a backup when you run out of ammo. You will also eventually need to dispatch a zombie in a quieter way that doesn’t attract other zombies like gunfire will.

  The problem with all close-in weapons such as bats, sticks, knives and clubs is the splatter. Zombie juice, blood, guts, brains, and other goop splatters. If any of this crap gets in your wounds or eyes or mouth or nose, you will soon be infected and eventually join the zombie team, unless you have Z-virus immunities as I described in a previous article. Even if you have some immunity, you still should protect yourself from contaminated zombie juices as well as you can. Weapons that cause big splatters should be used as a last resort. These weapons are clubs, bats, shovels, and anything that can kill by smashing in something’s head.

  What about chainsaws?

  Look, you have to unlearn the bad ideas you picked up from Hollywood’s zombie movies and video games. Almost nothing would cause a bigger splatter than a chainsaw, not to mention chainsaws are loud, heavy zombie magnets. If you see a survivor swinging a chainsaw, he’s either out of all other options or he’s stupid. In a zombie outbreak, chainsaws are how you know who the stupid people are. Referencing my rule about stupid people and the general outbreak apocalypse laws, I recommend you shoot anyone carrying a chainsaw to a zombie fight. So let’s waste no more time talking about chainsaws.

  The best weapons other than guns are bombs and grenades. But these are hard to come by, dangerous to manufacture and use, hardly precise when used, and they attract zombies with their noise. Fireworks and low level dynamite and flares are easy enough to find and you should consider having these in your arsenal. These can be used to make pretty effective anti-zombie bombs. I also love claymore mines and other anti-personnel booby-trap type explosive devices. You can see how very effective a claymore mine would be against zombies on YouTube.

  Explosives are just really hard to find and stock pile. The average Joe isn’t even remotely qualified to make, use, or even to stockpile explosives of any kind. Would you want to live next door to someone who has a stockpile of construction-grade C4 in their basement? I suggest you read and study the book Boobytraps U.S. Army Instruction Manual Tactics, Techniques, a
nd Skills, available through online book retailors.

  The very next best thing is a sword. Swords have lower splatter potential and higher killing potential than bats and clubs. The best swords are heavy to hold, very sharp, and long. You want a sword that can chop off a zombie’s head with one swing. I recommend a heavy two-sided, double-edged sword like British knights used so you can cut and chop, easily swinging in more than one direction. I also recommend a katana, also known as a samurai or ninja sword; a long one. Military-grade machetes are also great for zombie outbreak survival and are more common and affordable than most other sword-like weapons; look for a long one. Make sure you have more than one sword in your arsenal. Swords break and chip when you use them.

  Abraham Lincoln once said, “If I had to chop would for six hours, I would spend the first four hours sharpening my ax.”

  In zombie lingo, this would be, “If I had to spend six hours clearing zombies, I would spend four hours sharpening my blades so all I needed to do was chop up zombies for two hours.” Or something like that.

  Will an ax work for killing zombies?

  Axes work, but not as well as you might think. Look at any ax in your local hardware store like Lowes or Home Depot and you’ll see that axes have a very short cutting blade. If it’s all you have, aim for the zombie skull. With an ax or even a professionally made two-sided battle ax, the chances are you’ll miss more zombie skulls than you’ll hit. Zombies don’t usually just sit there waiting for axes to hit them in the head. A sword has a much longer blade giving you a wider margin of error making it easier to hack into at least some part of the zombie target if you are slightly off. If you are slightly off with an ax, you’ll probably just get eaten.