Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Test Read online

  While you will see Special Forces units working to eradicate zombies in an outbreak, Special Forces are not needed to combat zombies. Zombie outbreaks response is a much more specialized combat scenario. You could use Special Forces to augment zombie outbreak response teams, but you couldn’t use ZORTs to augment Special Forces units.

  ZORTs are more about containment of zombie outbreaks, riot control, dealing with people in panic, taking out stumbling bumbling zombies, and taking down a few assholes here and there, but what’s missing is the threat of facing another government military combat unit or elite combat unit. Special Forces can deal with a broader range of problems.

  So you don’t need a Special Forces unit to deal with a zombie outbreak. However, many Special Forces units such as Delta Force, the Green Berets, Navy Seals, Marine Force Recon, and even Russian Spetsnaz units include zombie outbreak response training in their regimens.

  I have never been assigned to a Special Forces unit, although, while assigned to the Marine ZORT command at Fort Hood, my Sergeant Major, Ramon Mathos, was a member of Marine Force Recon and actually served as an instructor at the Navy’s Seal school in Coronado. Off and on we would train with Special Forces teams, but these units are a whole other level of badassery I fully respect. I received a commendation for passing the Army’s Special Forces physical fitness test with a perfect score back in 1991.

  Also, standard staffing protocols require a set number of staff in ZORT command to be Special Forces trained and qualified. Two senior Marines from my commands, Sergeant Major Moran and Master Sergeant Mathos were two of the most cold-blooded badass people I have ever met. Anybody near these two badasses during any kind of shit storm like a zombie outbreak or an embassy siege is going to come out all right unless you are on the business end of their badass intentions.

  As badasses go, I’m about a 7 out of 10. One thing any badass must know is exactly how badass he or she is. I’m a 7 out of 10. I know my own limitations. Again with spiders… During jungle survival training in Panama, I attended a course on what to eat and what not to eat. They brought out some tarantulas and said we could eat them. I failed that course. I will not be eating any tarantulas. If it’s life or death and I need to eat a tarantula to live, well then I’m going to be one dead fucker cause I am not eating a fucking tarantula. Bugs? Yes. Spiders? Aw hell No. Dogs and cats? Yes. People? No.

  It’s funny, Special Forces troops like to bring a small bottle of Tabasco pepper sauce with them to help make almost anything edible. For me? Spiders? No. People? No. I’ll starve first. Lizards and snakes? Oh, hell yeah. I know my own limitations. Moran and Mathos are both 15s out of 10 on the badass scale. I would like to think they would say I am one of the most badass Captains they have ever worked with, but in truth, I’m probably not. Am I badass enough to deal with a zombie outbreak? Hell yeah! Am I elite trained to take out other Special Forces and elite combat units? Yeah, I have the basic training and I am trained in commanding Special Forces units, but I have never commanded or been assigned to a Special Forces unit. I have never attended a Special Forces school. Can I deal with roaming bands of lunatic survival assholes in a zombie apocalypse? You bet your sweet ass I can, efficiently and effectively, better than most. Marines don’t really like to wave their certifications and awards high in the air for everyone to see. We would rather let our results speak for themselves. When the shit hits the fan, call me. I’ll deliver the results.

  Does a ZORT command or unit qualify as Special Forces? Technically, no. Keep in mind, zombie outbreak response has more to do with containment and busting caps in a stray asshole or two or ten here and there. There’s not much chance of facing off against a government sponsored military unit or an elite Special Forces unit during a zombie outbreak. This should give you a higher level of confidence in your own survival potential during a pandemic zombie outbreak. You don’t need Special Forces training to survive. I decided to write these PSAs because you will need something more than just luck and good looks to survive. Anyone who takes their survival seriously and applies a certain degree of intelligence to their survival goals will have the best chances. Reading my PSA improves your chances and mine.

  Could terrorists start a zombie outbreak?

  Yes. However, outbreak models rigorously studied by Texas A&M show artificial Z-virus outbreaks sparked by acts of terrorism would tend to be short-lived. The highest potential for a full-blown zombie apocalypse exists best when a Z-virus outbreak piggybacks right after some other pandemic outbreak. A naturally occurring Z-virus outbreak is the most deadly outbreak there is. It would require large numbers of dead and unattended bodies.

  While terrorists with synthesized Z-virus are scary enough to imagine, such zombie outbreaks are actually quite easy to contain and control. Germans experimented with controlled outbreaks in WWII and they found them to be completely unreliable and unlikely to produce the desired results because of the difficulty in controlling the rate of the outbreak beyond the initial incident. There are Japanese outbreak models that suggest an artificial outbreak is very possible when it is combined with other terrorist acts such as disabling a major power grid, or when it is combined with a pandemic outbreak or some other natural disaster, but again such outbreaks are relatively easy to contain compared to a natural outbreak.

  You said there are vaccines for Z-virus, so why doesn’t the government vaccinate everyone now before the apocalypse?

  The CDC maintains active Z-virus vaccines in sufficient doses for emergencies and can replicate the vaccine relatively fast and easy. The government proactively gives the Z-virus vaccine to key government workers such as scientists, lab workers, key health officials, CDC agents, federal agents, and the military, but only as a proactive preventive measure. We need a certain number of Z-virus resistant people in key places if we intend to survive a full-blown zombie pandemic event.

  The problem with the vaccines that have been developed is the FDA approved Z-virus vaccine kills about 10% of all the people who get it. Because the mortality rate for the vaccine is high, it cannot be authorized for public use until there actually is an outbreak. Imagine if 10% of the people who got the flu vaccine died from it—we’d never roll the dice on that vaccine publicly.

  In a zombie outbreak, the Z-virus vaccine can and will be provided to anyone who is not already infected, but who is also highly likely to be exposed. People around the center of an outbreak ground zero can be force-vaccinated according to containment protocols. Contrary to what you see in some zombie movies, once you contract the Z-virus there is no cure. You will either die and become a zombie or you will not die because you have some inherent immunity to the virus. About 1 in 100,000 people have a natural immunity—if a zombie bites them, it would just be for practice; although, zombie bites themselves can become infected with other things and can also prove to be deadly, if say a zombie bites someone in a major blood vein.

  Another problem with the vaccine beyond the 10% death rate is the vaccine also has a 5% zombification rate, where 5% of all who get the vaccine will turn into an infectious zombie. When people are proactively given the vaccine, they are quarantined in or near a medical facility for several days to keep an eye out for "bad reactions" to the vaccine. The Z-virus vaccine must also be administered in six doses, six steps, six injections over a two-month period (six injected dosage shots). Military members serving in the late 90s were given what was called the anthrax series of vaccinations. The Z-virus vaccine was secretly combined with this vaccine series to great success as many service members suspected. You can Google military anthrax vaccine deaths and see plenty of stories about these trials plus some true accounts of soldiers becoming zombies after getting vaccinated. I say the trials were successful because now we have a significant and growing number of people in the general population with immunities to the Z-virus. People like me.

  The vaccine shows a 90% survival rate for those who get the full six shots. The first shot improves survival by just 10% and the subsequent sho
ts improve survival further. For those of us who are fully vaccinated, if we are somehow later exposed to Z-virus it will feel like the worst flu we ever got. Barring any other medical conditions of relevance, we will fully recover in a few weeks. For those with natural immunity, exposure to Z-virus gives them only a case of the sniffles.

  This is why the Z-virus vaccine is a tough sell. Plus, there are a whole lot of people who just flat out refuse to believe a zombie outbreak is even possible. Given there is a 15% chance something bad will happen to you if you get the Z-virus vaccine series, would you voluntarily take it? Military members in the late 90s didn’t have a choice in the matter. People in the immediate vicinity of an outbreak ground zero won’t have a choice either.

  Why do zombies bite people and why do they crave brains?

  Zombies bite and claw at living things (dogs, cattle, snakes), things that move, and sometimes other zombies too. Texas A&M lab results show the zombie brain is barely active. Only the parts of the brain controlling basic simple animalistic senses based primarily in the medulla oblongata; the brain stem, are active. This means the typical zombie (I’ll discuss atypical zombies later) can see, hear, and taste. Their limited brains are active only to ensure the survival of the Z-virus and this virus intends to spread itself to survive. Zombies only want to eat and spread the infection—they’re not much more complicated than that in direct contradiction to most zombie movies.

  There is very little brain activity in a typical zombie and what activity there is has almost no residual mind/psyche/mental abilities compared to the original host. Zombie brains drive the reanimated corpse primarily to bite non-infected people to spread the virus. Because the Z-virus is active in body fluids, a zombie bite transfers the virus in saliva and other body fluids. The Z-virus is known to have an extremely short infectious potential outside the human body, so a saliva filled zombie bite will usually do just fine to infect someone. The Z-virus must then travel to the victim’s nervous system/brain to grow and thrive, so a bite to the brain has the highest and fastest potential for infection. This may be why a number of zombie movies show zombies with a hunger for and craving for brains.

  Texas A&M studies show zombies are no more fond of eating detached brains than they are of eating detached fingers or pigs for that matter. Zombies feed for two reasons: 1) primarily to spread the virus, and 2) to maintain an energetic metabolism that allows the zombie to keep moving. A zombie will always attack a living breathing thing rather than an already dead thing, a dying thing, or a very ill thing. Their brains remain at least sophisticated enough to differentiate between dead things, sick things, and living things. Plus zombies have heightened pheromonal and EMF detection. They can smell you and they can sense where you are…more about this later.

  An isolated zombie will starve and quickly die, usually within about two weeks in the best conditions (some climates are better than others – think of cigar humidors). A zombie with access to food and that isn’t damaged in some other way can stay infectious and mobile for about 90 days in the best climate. In many cases, a zombie will start to eat parts of its own body to avoid starving, to prolong its life.

  This is critical to studying zombie outbreak models. How many people can become infected, how fast can it spread, and how long before the Z-virus runs out of people to infect locally and/or globally? Don’t let the 90 days fool you into false hope. There is plenty to worry about beyond 90 days and I will discuss that as this PSA continues.

  Can zombies be cured?

  No. There is no cure for zombies. Extermination is the most appropriate response. Zombie movies often allude to a potential cure, but this is pure Hollywood fiction and not really very good fiction either. The Z-virus needs a living host to infect. Only living breathing people can get infected. I recall a movie I saw where a man’s wife died naturally and so he went and got some zombie blood and used the zombie blood to reanimate her. He kept her chained up in their basement. I saw another movie where love cured a zombie. These are impossible potentials.

  Dead people cannot be reanimated with the Z-virus, but I can see how this is confusing to some people. If you contract the Z-virus, you will get sick, die, and then become zombified. By the way, once you die, you are truly gone. There is almost nothing of the person’s mind/psyche/personality left in a reanimated corpse. It’s also pure Hollywood fiction to see a person reason with a zombie or talk to a zombie or communicate with a zombie or train the zombie to do things like work in a factory.

  Once a person becomes a zombie, that person ceases to exist and there is no cure that can bring them back. Being infected with stage 2 (active) Z-virus is like getting the flu. There is no cure for the flu and there is no cure for zombification.

  Go get your flu shot, dammit!

  There is a vaccine for the Z-virus just like there is a vaccine for the flu and rabies, which I discussed in detail previously. Vaccines are not cures. They are proactive preventive defenses. The Z-virus vaccine would do nothing for someone who is already infected, a zombie. It’s only useful in preventing future infections. The Z-virus vaccine increases a person's immunity to Z-virus. There are huge risks and side effects with the vaccine as I already talked about.

  What are the best weapons against zombies?

  The absolute best weapon against zombies is intelligence. Stupid and dumb people don’t really have much of a chance in a pandemic zombie outbreak. Life in a zombie outbreak will be tough, but it will be tougher if you’re stupid, infinitely tougher.

  The next best weapon is prevention, which I talked about already. If that fails, the next best weapons are stealth, speed, and distance. If you move fast enough and stay away from zombies and other sick people, you can survive against zombies well enough.

  One more thing, which I can’t stress enough… Stay away from stupid people—even stupid people with guns. Stupid people are like zombie magnets. Don’t be stupid and also avoid stupid people. In fact, one of my personal zombie outbreak survival protocols is to treat stupid people like zombies and eradicate them when I come into contact with them.

  So did you get your flu shot yet? Do it! Your survival depends on it! What are you waiting for? When the shit hits the fan, it will be too late.

  What are the best guns for killing zombies?

  In a recent zombie survival guide, I covered weaponology in great detail. In this remedial tutorial before the definitive test, I’ll hit on some important concepts.

  So, there's a full blown zombie outbreak and you need to eradicate a few zombies (and apocalyptic survival assholes) here and there to ensure your survival. First, imagine an entire town or city full of zombies. How did this happen?

  First, we will see a pandemic viral outbreak of something like a mutated flu virus. This viral outbreak will kill lots of people. A 30% or more death rate from any pandemic outbreak is significant enough completely to alter life on this planet alone without the threat of a piggy-backing Z-virus outbreak. Imagine one out of every three people you know dying and then combine that with collapsing social services, ensuing chaos, evaporating law and order, undisposed bodies mounting, and now some of the dead become the walking dead, roaming the streets, eating, biting, and infecting the survivors.

  There you are when it all starts to happen. You’re in bad shape, physically. You like to smoke and drink and watch TV for hours while sitting on your couch eating pizza and potato chips. You’re thinking, “Zombies aren’t that smart. They’re not that hard to kill. I’ll be able to outrun stumbling bumbling zombies.”

  As I’ve tried to say a few times before, it may not be the zombies that kill you. It just may be the roaming bands of survival assholes. Are you smarter than a mob of panicked lunatics?

  Still, you can’t discount ALL zombies. There are a lot of teenagers in the world. When they become zombified, they will move and run a lot better and faster than your average run of the mill grandma zombie. They will chase you down not much slower than a mob of ravenous teenagers could do right now. So get
off your couch and start getting ready.

  Weapons are social equalizers. If something threatens you, a gun or other weapon can improve your chances of surviving the encounter. So you will need to appreciate some important weaponology considerations.

  The great thing about America is there are plenty of guns and ammo accessible to the average Joe. There’s a gun store and a shooting range on every corner. If you don’t have guns and know how to use guns, well you could at least make friends with cool people like me who do; although, for a zombie outbreak, I’m not planning on being very friendly, but maybe other people will.

  The best weapon depends on three key factors: 1) what weapons you have access to; 2) your knowledge and skill at using different weapons; 3) what threats you need to deal with.

  You’ll hear a lot of weapon-people talk about their favorite gun or their favorite this or that. Look, listen up, and pay attention. In a zombie outbreak you have to reserve favoritism and go for what works. It’s a given fact that some guns are better than others for a wide variety of reasons. In a pinch, some gun is better than no gun. I suggest you check the web and also visit your local gun dealer to ask questions or read more of my previous PSAs for more weapons info.

  By the way, my favorite gun is the M240G. Blame my gun tastes on my 21 years in the Marine Corps (Oorah!!!). I am extremely partial to that sweet piece of 7.62 beautiful killing machinery, the M240G (Marines call it the “240 Golf”). I nicknamed my 240 Golf Maggie when I was at the combat school. I have fired 240 Golfs a lot, I am very comfortable and accurate with it, I know how to fix it and clean it, and I know what it can and cannot and should and should not do in extreme situations. I know how to prep for crossing a deep river while carrying the 240 Golf. These are all very important gun selection factors, but think about it. The 240 Golf is a heavier gun with impressive and common 7.62 ammo; however, it’s designed to combat lightly armored military personnel and vehicles, so unless zombies start wearing body armor and driving Hummers, the M240G is just too much gun for the situation. Besides, they are incredibly expensive and their ammo is expected to be quite hard to find once the shit hits the fan. The latest version of what I trained with is called the M240B.