Zombie Outbreak Survival: The Definitive Test Read online

  33. So… you are not qualified to join the military. Which of the following is the best option for getting some other good training in badassery?

  a) The boot camp cardio class at your local gym.

  *b) The Boy Scouts.

  c) YouTube videos.

  d) A martial arts class.

  e) None of these because zombies are not real.

  Discussion: It’s not as easy to join the US military as people often think. Thank God for intelligence tests, medical evaluations, and background checks. When entrance requirements are relaxed and riff-raff are allowed to fill the ranks of the military, the country delivers a faulty product. However, alternatives to military training include The Boys Scouts, local first responders, civilian “hobbyist” (~Yippie Ky Yaaay! Mexico will never invade Texas again!~), police departments, and the often overlooked ROTCs of high schools and universities. I served as a combat instructor for the Texas A&M Corps of Cadets. Plenty of these high spirited young people became badasses right there in College Station, Texas and some of them later joined the military, but most did not. My students gave me the call-sign, “Mustafa” the African God of War. Ahhhh...the memories. So, I have a high degree of respect for The Boy Scouts and ROTCs; therefore, you should too. Stay away from hate groups, anti-government groups, doomsday cults, and terrorist training opportunities. A lot of these groups are illegal to join and it will be much harder to survive the zombie apocalypse if your mind is full of the kind of crap you get from groups like these. According to my code, people in these groups are high on the list of get-rid-of-them-first-before-they-get-you in a zombie apocalypse. You also need to remember how assholes have an exponential effect on the suffering of those around them and multiple assholes are infinitely worse. Asshole cults and racists hate groups will screw up survival and eventually get what’s coming to them when the world turns to shit.

  34. You have some time to get ready for the zombie apocalypse. What should you be doing with your time?

  a) Getting healthy and fit.

  b) Collecting weapons and practicing with them.

  c) Cardio.

  *d) All of the above.

  e) None of these because zombies are not real.

  Discussion: Surviving a zombie apocalypse is tough, but it’s tougher if you are out of shape and unhealthy. Inventory your personal health and work on getting healthier. Go see your doctor. Unhealthy, out of shape people have very low survivability in any pandemic event and an extremely low survival rate in a zombie apocalypse. I’d like to suggest another important thing you can do to be better prepared... Kick all of your bad habits. Do you like to drink colas or alcohol? Do you smoke? Do you crave pizza and fried chicken? Do you crave Starbucks? Do you use, or are you addicted to pain killers, marijuana, or other drugs? A pandemic zombie outbreak is one hell of a rehab opportunity—one hell of an intervention. You won’t want your nicotine or booze addiction to put you in situations where you make stupid choices. So kick your bad habits now before you are forced to. The less dependent on insignificant things you are, the better. If you have a substance abuse problem get the help you need now. It’s much better to go into a zombie apocalypse clean and sober than otherwise.

  35. You have some time to get ready for the zombie apocalypse. What should you be doing with your time?

  *a) Seeing your doctor for a medical evaluation physical and getting current on your vaccinations.

  b) Scoring (you know…getting busy) with as many people as you possibly can.

  c) Supporting the NRA.

  d) All of the above.

  e) None of these because zombies are not real.

  Discussion: You should be doing a whole lot more, but getting healthy and current on your immunizations is somewhere near the top of the before the zombie apocalypse gets here “To Do” list. B doesn’t even make my list. C is the worst choice. Don’t send your money to the NRA. You need your money. Although recently the NRA began hosting zombie outbreak preparedness events and so maybe you should consider attending these sorts of events; just make sure you are using your money to get ready and to buy things you will need. An NRA membership card during a zombie apocalypse is worth less than a few strips of used toilette tissue. If you want to give away money, send it to me, buy my books, follow me on Twitter, and help a brotha out.

  NRA & Zombies

  36. You know the zombie apocalypse is coming. Which of the following should you avoid doing at all costs?

  a) Avoid playing zombie video games and watching bad zombie movies because these are a waste of time.

  *b) Avoid making babies… having kids… getting pregnant because kids are a major apocalypse survival liability.

  c) Avoid paying your taxes and supporting your government because the apocalypse will be here before the IRS catches up to you.

  d) Avoid stocking up on “the little things” that will help you get through the apocalypse.

  e) None of these because zombies are not real.

  Discussion: Survival in a zombie outbreak pandemonium is about simplicity. If you can streamline your life, your lifestyle, your basic needs, then you are better suited to surviving the end of the world. Over complicate your life and you die. If you want to make surviving the zombie apocalypse harder than it already will be, maybe you relish the challenge, then go ahead and add the baggage of pregnancy and kids. While you’re at it add in a substance abuse problem just for the challenge. Children are the germiest, nastiest, cesspool petridishes of viral outbreak potential and almost everyone has them or knows some—they don’t wash their filthy little hands, they put crazy things in their mouths all the time, and they touch everything. They don’t listen when you tell them to keep quiet and still. People with kids will be the first and fastest to fall from any kind of pandemic outbreak, let alone a pandemic zombie outbreak. Kids almost always decrease your survival chances, until they become older kids who can be badasses in training. The good thing about older kids is that they can be very helpful and they tend to be very loyal to their parents in the worst do-or-die situations. Just make sure your older kids are getting some survival practice. Make them join the Boy Scouts. Make them participate in survival themed sports like martial arts and distance running. In a zombie apocalypse, kids can make good scouts. Give the kid a two-way radio, send him or her to the top of a tall building, and let them be your eyes in the sky as you make your way through the zombie infested city in search of food and water. Youths because of the flexibilities in their skeletons and muscles tend to make great snipers. Get them some practice while you can.

  37. You know the zombie apocalypse is coming. Which of the following should you be doing?

  a) Running in zombie themed races.

  b) Researching zombies in the media: movies, video games, YouTube, and Van Allen’s Zombie Outbreak Survival guides.

  c) Stashing all the hard cash you can get into a safe place, like under your mattress.

  *d) A and B.

  e) None of these because zombies are not real.

  Discussion: C is the worst choice. Cash, jewelry, and bling bling will be useless in a zombie apocalypse. I’m predicting booze will become a new currency. You should stockpile some. Also badassery will definitely become a great currency. Stockpile that if you can and/or stockpile friends who are badasses.

  38. Which of these sports teaches the most relevant skills for surviving a zombie apocalypse?

  a) Baseball because it teaches you to swing hard and run fast.

  *b) Football because it teaches hard-hitting grit, persistence, leadership, and teamwork.

  c) Soccer because there’s a lot of pointless and frantic running around.

  d) Mixed Martial Arts because it teaches you how to kick someone’s ass.

  e) None of these because zombies are not real.

  Discussion: Football is a great activity for making yourself and/or your kids better prepared for the zombie apocalypse. MMA is not the worst choice because you will want to know some hand-to-hand close combat mo
ves in a zombie apocalypse; however, you won’t last long if you think taking a zombie down to the mat for an arm-bar hold is a good idea. Kick-boxing is a great alternative. I do like the part of baseball where you swing real hard at stuff and run and throw stuff. I also like the part of tennis where you dart back and forth swinging at things. Soccer, hockey, frisbee, and golf are completely useless. Drop these sports and pick one of the above to spend your time learning.

  39. On a football team, which player body-type is the best build for surviving a zombie apocalypse?

  a. The defensive linemen.

  b. The cornerbacks.

  c. The cheerleaders.

  *d. The linebackers.

  e. None of these because zombies are not real.

  Discussion: Linebackers are usually meatier, buffer, and balanced around intelligence, strength, and speed. Personality wise, they seek out collisions and like to run full speed right into the heart of a fight. Zombie apocalypse survival will require muscle, speed, intelligence, durability, and endurance, mixed together with a dash of leadership and enthusiasm. Think Ray Lewis. Think Bill Romanowski. Think the late great Junior Seau. Avoid thinking of Bobby Boucher (pronounced Boo-Shay) from the movie The Waterboy.

  40. On a football team, which player body-type is the best build for surviving a zombie apocalypse?

  a. The offensive linemen.

  b. The wide receivers.

  c. The quarterbacks.

  *d. The fullbacks.

  e. None of these because zombies are not real.

  Discussion: Fullbacks may be even better than linebackers because they usually come with the added skills of being able to catch, throw, and dodge collisions. Fullbacks are also usually meatier, buffer, and balanced around strength, intelligence, and speed. Personality wise, they seek out collisions and like to run full speed right into the heart of a defense to see if they can bust through it. Zombie apocalypse survival will require muscle, speed, intelligence, durability, endurance, badassery mixed together with a dash of leadership and enthusiasm. Think Larry Csonka. Think Earl Campbell. Think Daryl “Moose” Johnston. Think Franco Harris. I will concede that there are some very impressive non-fullbacks to admire: Tony Dorsett, Barry Sanders, and Adrian Peterson for running backs, and Jason Witten, Tony Gonzales, Shannon Sharpe, and Mike Ditka for tight ends, and think Howie Long, Deacon Jones, and Bruce Smith for defensive ends. As for quarterbacks? ...Okay, I expect the zombie apocalypse would bring out Tim Tebow’s inner warrior and inner leader. He’s kind of impressive for a lousy quarterback.

  Again, your goal is to get 100% correct. So how did you do on these questions? If you suck, don’t worry, I will keep posting remedial zombie survival guides for those of you who need to try again. Go back and read my earliest zombie apocalypse survival guides in the meantime.

  The Federal Government’s plans for dealing with outbreaks

  Office of Personnel Management guidance on pandemics

  Also search here for the ongoing Federal plan to immunize specific government employees.

  Next, let’s cover the answers to questions 41 - 50.

  41. Which of the following books will help you prepare for the zombie apocalypse?

  a) World War Z by Max Brooks.

  b) The Anarchist Cookbook by William Powell.

  c) The Bible.

  *d) All the above.

  e) None of these because zombies are not real.

  Discussion: Reading all of the books in this list should be of some help to you in a zombie apocalypse. Don’t forget that The Bible actually describes zombie outbreaks. I mentioned before that about 2000 years ago a certain Christian deity is described in The Bible as having been killed and then three days later, coming back to life. Jesus is one of the most famous walking dead ever written about in modern or ancient history. There, I said it again. See also Zechariah 14:12: “And the LORD will send a plague on all the nations that fought against Jerusalem. Their people will become like walking corpses, their flesh rotting away. Their eyes will rot in their sockets, and their tongues will rot in their mouths. They will become eaters of flesh and spreaders of disease and pestilence. They shall bring about the fall of many nations.” Hey, that’s in The Bible. Fact!

  42. Which of the following books will help you prepare for the zombie apocalypse?

  a) The Zombie Survival Guide by Max Brooks.

  b) Fit for Combat: When Fitness is a Matter of Life and Death by JD Johannes and Nita Marquez.

  c) The Book on Zombie Outbreak Survival by Van Allen.

  *d) All the above.

  e) None of these because zombies are not real.

  Discussion: Read as much as you can. In the zombie apocalypse, knowledge will become a new currency. The smarter you are, the more important it will be to keep you alive. You’ll thank me later when you finish the Navy Seal Survival Guide and the Green Beret Combat Manual when you know all the different ways to treat frostbite, when you know all the different parts of a beaver that can be used to make tools, when you know all the parts of a deer that you have to avoid eating, when you know of an impressive number weapons that can be made out of car parts, when you know how to make booby-traps and bombs using common household items and chemicals, and when you show great poise and confidence during a zombie apocalypse.

  Check here for your zombie outbreak survivalist reading needs (Zombie Apocalypse). Be sure to check your favorite book store for zombie survival eBooks and download them onto your cell phone or iPad or eBook reader. Stop watching videos on your device of precocious cats playing piano and flipping out when they see their reflection. You need to get ready. Make some note cards. That will help.

  43. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #1, which of the following is a bad move?

  a) You are all alone and you find a seriously injured dog trapped in a bad guy’s booby-trap, so you take the time to rescue this dog and care for it.

  *b) You are all alone and you find a survivor with her own, shelter, ammo, weapons, supplies, and a great plan for survival, so you team up.

  c) You are all alone and you find a survivor and you give her some of your supplies, weapons, and ammo.

  d) You are all alone and you like it that way.

  e) None of these because zombies are not real.

  Discussion: Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #1 basically says, “No one’s survival is more important than my own.” It also tells you to avoid acting like a hero, because you are not trained to be a hero. I am. Still, I’m not going to rescue an animal unless that animal increases my chances of survival. Animal rescue is never a good move during a zombie outbreak. I’ve known a few badass Marines who would dive on a grenade to save a kitten. This sort of heroism has to be trained out of some people. It’s a question of value. Does the danger and risk you will face warrant saving this thing or person? B is the best move of the ones listed here. D has its merits, but only the greatest survivalists have much of a real chance to survive zombie pandemonium as a solo act. Drill Instructor Sergeant Pratt who trained me back in 1985, a Force Recon Marine, strikes me as the kind of guy who could do it solo. An old friend of mine named Master Sergeant Matos, a retired senior instructor from the Navy Seal School in Coronado could definitely survive solo. Another friend of mine, Corporal Pacheco, a former Marine Scout Sniper on our ZORT squad could also do it, but he had a touch of compulsive anti-social psychological trouble before he left the Marines, just the sort of oddness that would definitely increase his chances of surviving a zombie apocalypse alone. I know Pacheco got recruited to train rebels somewhere in the Central American jungles, and I’m not allowed to talk about him, publically. Sergeant Major Jeff Morin, (Google him) now this guy…of all the badasses I have ever served with, he is the badass of badasses, the Michael Jordan of badasses. Your chances of surviving a zombie apocalypse are improved just because you happen to be in the same county as he’s in. I think he’s probably living somewhere in Virginia if he hasn’t retired to the remote luxury log house he was designing t
he last time I worked with him. We served on a zombie outbreak response team together back in 1999.

  44. According to Zombie Apocalypse Survival Rule #2, which of the following is a good move?

  a) A man waiving a white flag approaches your safe shelter and asks you to come out to talk. He claims he is unarmed. You notice he is wearing the remnants of a prison uniform. He says he needs your help. You ignore him and then shoot him through the eye with your M14/M1A when he gets too close. You then wait for darkness and evacuate to your back up shelter.